This is me.

Another night, another dream wasted on you.

2010-05-27T18:14:00.000-07:00

I'm sick of you sending me signals when you don't feel that way really, you made my heart skip a beat the other day, no one has done that in a long time. You mean something so special, but I'm so unsure- what's the motive of all of this? Just to get hurt? I don't bloody think so, I'm not going to let our beautiful friendship be the receiver of the bombshell of the sucky consequences because stupid unpredictable feelings I have.
But I also don't want to play the 'broken-hearted girl' every single day of my life; I want to be able to play the strong, confident woman. Who can brush her feelings away and forget about them, till they fade away.

2010-05-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

In my head right now; "IDIOT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"
I basically told him I like him; fucking hell!? He is basically my best friend and I'm talking about how I'm not sure of my feelings about him and stuff. Why did I have to reveal this to him? I didn't want to. I never wanted to, I wanted to leave it till it went away because that's what I do best; nothing.
Now he's going to think I'm a right stupid munter for saying something and get all confused. Fuck, well I've thrown my phone across the room so it's in pieces at the moment so he won't be able to contact me through my mobile. I hope he's just gone to sleep and not really thought about it. But in a way, I hope he has.

Oh who am I kidding; he'd never go for a girl like me in a million, zillion years. He flirts with the 'skinny-Minnie blondie boobie girly girls like slaggy Lindsay'-sorry Angus, thongs and perfect snogging quote there. But it's true, I'm not like that and frankly I'm not prepared to change myself for some guy. I just want someone who wants me for me. I just wish he did.

2010-05-08T17:43:00.000-07:00

I feel so crap at the moment and I have no one to talk to about it.
I just can't stop thinking about my life, all of it. I'm thinking about my Mum and Step Dad recently splitting and how I've been so horrible to my Step Dad now. I'm thinking about school and exams and how I know I'm going to fail all of them and I have to leave school in a week and I'm not ready for it. I'm also thinking about the same old boys, but I don't want to go into that at the moment because they shouldn't be important.
I just want to be relieved from all my problems.

2010-05-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

Recently I tried smoking. It was about a week and a half ago, I was at a party very drunk to be fair and ended up having a whole one to myself. I also had another whole one recently after being out again. Now being the worrier I am, I'm scared that I'm going to end up being addicted. I'll probably end up being a social smoker.

Mmmmmm, well that's what on my mind at the moment.

Philophobia

2010-04-16T13:19:00.000-07:00

Definition: a fear of love, falling in love.

Defining The Problem: Philophobia is defined as the abnormal, persistent and unwarranted fear of falling in love. Every year, the phobia causes countless people needless distress and so many abstain from getting emotionally involved. A restless feeling of being betrayed in love pricks you and unrests your mind. You do not feel emotionally secured in life. This eventually affects the quality of life and pushes you away from any sort of commitment.

Reasons Giving Rise To The Problem: You may fear rejection and that pose as a great reason of embarrassment that deters you from even getting involved with anyone.

I really think I may have a very mild case of Philophobia.

2010-04-12T18:06:00.000-07:00

Well it's just gone past two in the morning and I had turned my computer off and then I realised I'm in a blogging mood.
I'm confused, the fact that you're acting different towards me. You don't normally say i love you first, you don't normally desperatly want to see me. Are you sending me signals or am I hoping too much?
I've been watching loads of NANA episodes a Japanese anime series, it's all about love. The main character Hachiko/Nana falls in love with someone called Nobu-Chan and they have the cutest relationship and Nobu says the sweetest things to Nana. It makes me so jealous of what they have, I would kill for something like that. A loving relationship so I knew that, that person would do pretty much anything for me and would love to spend time with me, no matter what we're doing.
Ever single day of my life I seem to wish for this, it kind of scares me how reguarly I think about this. I wish I was one of those people that didn't mind being alone, take things as they come not constantly wishing for things to happen.
I shouldn't be wishing, I should be out there getting what I want even though not everything will have the outcome I wish for.

Yet again another post about how much I want to fall in love.

2010-04-09T16:27:00.000-07:00

I figured out the other day that it has been seven months since I started liking him, he has been made me feel extreme lows and highs for the past seven bloody months. I seriously think this is fucking crazy, like out of this world crazy.
It's horrible thinking that he has been able to keep me hanging onto him for this long, it doesn't make sense it's like I'm waiting for something to happen. But I haven't even told him, not even hinted that I've been hopelessly in 'love' with him for this long. I feel like a sitting duck, waiting to be hurt with everyday that goes by.
Cause I know I haven't followed advice from friends or even my heart, I've decided to be stubborn and not risk myself getting pummeled to the ground and laughed at by the rejection, in reality I'm waiting for it to disappear and play out, so I don't have to deal with any consequences at all, because that is what I'm most scared of.
I'm scared of love and rejection.

2010-04-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

I really want to tell someone about this friend of mine but I don't want it to get back to her, so of course I've decided I must vent somewhere and here I am.
Well this friend of mine has a bit of a reputation for being a slut basically. I'm really strange when it comes to one of my best boy mates and how she acts around him, it annoys me because I've always had a little crush on him and he has fancied her before so she could lure him in.
They both came round my house yesterday and she kept lifting her top up, telling me to touch her bra right in front of him, laying on him, just basic flirting.
She did the same today, it's really fucking pissing me off.
She also get's upset about people accusing her of being slut, then stop fucking acting like one.

2010-04-06T16:27:00.000-07:00

The reason why I go up in arms when you act all shallow about people is mainly because I'm insecure about my looks.
That may not make sense to anyone. It is the fact that I really don't think I have anything to offer boys, no boys seem to turn their heads when I walk by unless I'm with my best friends. I don't want you to be shallow because then I know that you don't think I'm attractive at all that I'm just that friend, that would never be thought of as more of a friend.
That is the real reason, that you'll never know.

2010-03-22T06:56:00.001-07:00

I feel weak, I feel shit without you.
Why is this suddenly bugging me?

2010-03-10T11:20:00.001-08:00

The smoking, the sex, the talk of drugs, showing off in front of everybody. You're not cool or popular, you're going to be known as a whore, who's only enjoyment in life is having acigarette at the end of the day. That's not a happy live to lead. I believe that keeping your innocence and sensibility for as long as you can is good, something to be fucking proud of. It seems you want all of your innocence to disappear as quickly as possible, it doesn't seem healthy. Just for the pure fact to rebel against everything and seeming cool with a packet of fags in your bag.
And calling your friends 'goody two shoes' and 'geeks' to all of the people who you believe to be 'cool' is frankly horrible. I know the words aren't as offensive as others, but the fact you said that just because none of us smoke or do the things you do, is fucking sick. What happened to you?

2010-02-20T12:15:00.001-08:00

I've scared myself. I had the urge to act differently with you today like I would with a boyfriend. I constanly wanted to cuddle you and lay on you.
I shouldn't be having these feelings, I'm such a douche.

2010-02-17T18:13:00.001-08:00

Yeah, Since you went away hasn't been the same. In my heart all i got is pain. Could it be that i play the game, to loose you, i can't maintain. Sunlight moonlight you lit my life, realize in the night while love shines bright. Can't let you go we were meant for forever baby let me know.

Days passed without you can't forget you. Letting me be the cloud hanging above meRaining on me missing your touch. Nights get longer and it's hard to clutch. We're apart breaks my heart. Its all for the best girl, you're my world. In time my love unfurls, ‘till then wait for you girl.

Best bit of the best love song ever.
Koe Wo Kikasete/Let Me Hear Your Voice- Big Bang<3

2010-02-17T18:10:00.001-08:00

I haven't been so powerful lately guys. Am I wrong in giving in and letting him back in my little bubble of loneliness? Which now makes my bubble not a place of protection; a place of paranoia, jealously and feelings of hate. It's not good for me, anyone around me.
I constantly start to think what if; which gets my hopes up. I start to believe in my immature fantasies. I get paranoid that you don't really want to talk to me, you think it's just a chore. I get jealous of every single girl you laugh with. I begin to hate you for it, but you've done nothing wrong, you're just being a guy. I get angry at you and you just don't understand. I'm just being a naive girl, with a hope of you falling hopelessly in love with me.

2010-02-17T17:49:00.000-08:00

Yeah so I haven't used this blog in a really long time, properly. Which is strange because I wanted to have a place of thoughts where no one I knew could find them. I have been doing it on a more public blog where all my friends can see it. So it's nice to come to a place of loneliness, in a sense.

Well ginger guy; I've given in and we've started talking again, I text him all day today. Few flirty passes, nothing special. I really doubt it'll go anywhere, he doesn't seem completely interested and plus this girl seems to be getting nosey about it all which probably means she is after him too. Jealously will kick in soon enough.

He was meant to meet me the other day but bailed, that put me off a little bit. But he says he wants to see me. I doubt he will, mmm yeah.

I'm thinking about all this shit when I should really be worrying about how I've done no revision or coursework this week. Like none, I'm so bad. I need to finish all of my ict FUCK, forgot. I'll do it all on Friday, maybe.

Anyway, I plan to be back here for a little while now.

2010-02-17T17:37:00.000-08:00

I've always had the smallest of crushes on you. You're like my best friend. But because of your littleness, beautiful hair, constant need to talk to me, your strange humour, how your always around me; I'm compelled to have a thing for you.

Since I met you I have. I would never admit this to anyone. People always suspect something going on, but their isn't anything really, I just have a thing that no one knows about. But when you mention that girl is hot, I get a small stab of hate and in return I hate myself for that because your not mine.

Yeah..

2010-01-03T11:53:00.000-08:00

Fucking hell.
I'm so frightened about going back to school just because he is going to be there, constanly I'll see him. In maths lessons, I'll see him, when we go to assembley I'll see him. It'll be crap because I'll be reminded of him all the time. In the holidays, I haven't seen him at all and it's been such a relief because I'm not compelled to think about or see him.
Oh fun times and on the first day we have maths, yayay ¬¬

Someone

2009-11-12T12:52:00.000-08:00

My feelings for you are growing by every word I say to you.
I want someone to love, I want someone to give kisses and cuddles. I want someone to make me giggle and smile so much that I never want it to stop.
I want someone to come round my house and have dinner with my family. Someone I can trust.

I'm sorry

2009-10-22T13:59:00.000-07:00

Blog of mine, I'm very sorry. I don't really use you anymore as I've migrated to LiveJournal.
I would lie and say that I will try post on her more, but that is a silly lie. I might every now and again like now but LiveJournal for the moment is my home.

Sorry! If you want me to keep posting here, leave a comment. That would give me motivation to do so.

Not Naming Names

2009-10-09T16:05:00.002-07:00

I miss you.
Sometimes I think about the relationship we had and how it sucks we have drifted so far apart. There is just nothing there anymore, I even miss the stupid fights we used to have because I used to get so upset about them, knowing that it was because I cared about you so much.
I wish you didn't take a step back in my life, you gave me laughs and a strong friendship. We could literally tell each other anything and I loved that you trusted me. A person like you who had many friends and who is genuinely popular. I do still love you, just don't talk to you for whatever reasons this is, not sure.
When I next see you, your getting a mega hug.

Doomed

2009-10-09T16:05:00.001-07:00

Oh my gosh. You're so sweet, adorable and flirt with me which makes me fall for you even more. Kill me now.
I'm doomed, there is no going back now..well for about 2 or 3 months.

Can my personality of falling for people easily like subside just for a while?

My Trek Home

2009-10-09T16:02:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the whole of the Fightstars ablum, Be Human on the way home on my beloved iPod.
As I was turning a corner a sudden burst of pixie like drops of rain started falling it startled me, I felt a stab of confusion, despair and loneliness not sure why. I looked up in the sky to see the sun still shinning brightly.
I looked into the sky wanting to catch these tiny droplets of water on my face, it made me breathe a sigh of relief.

But once again I felt confused and lonely, so as I was walking home by myself I began to cry.
Still not sure why, I was still crying as random people passed by and must of looked like a right idiot.

But this was the most confusing walk home, I've ever endured. Relief yet loneliness.

Cold People

2009-10-01T13:43:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how one person can make you feel like the only person who is important to them, the one person they can share laughter and secrets with and then turn their back immediately in the next five minutes for no reason.
Literally feeling the freezing cold radiating off their shoulder.

What makes humans so judge-mental and want to hate people so bad for no reason.
It makes me really upset the thought of some people having the urge to be harsh to other people, we all have feelings. I've been through it many times, it makes me feel like I'm nothing, I'm worthless.

But I always love these people, with everything I have. Just give me a break okay?

(I'm elaborating on the for no reason by the way!)

Embarrassing D;

2009-09-30T23:55:00.001-07:00

Embarrassing moments.
How do I sum these up... Well basically they make me want to literally die. Sometimes I think about these embarrassing moments and cringe at the thought of them.
I don't like doing this, it makes me remember when I was stupid. I don't feel like feeling stupid, just like everyone else.
One of these memories of being embarrassed sticks out like a sore thumb.

I must certainly not going to tell you what it is, false hope right there.
But, when I do think about it I do realise how truely stupid I was, I was wrong and I know I hurt two people in the process of this. The one year anniversary of this is coming up soon and it's going to be like cringe, cringe, cringe.

This memory is a mix of an embarrassing moment and heartbreak.
I still feel bad and I wish they could understand.

You get me?

A familiar noise

2009-09-30T09:06:00.001-07:00

Today I heard a much familar noise. The noise of birds beautiful song, but as they are on a warm, sunny day.
It reminded me of times in Australia, on the warm sunny evenings when the birds are still out and singing songs when they actually should be in their nests.
It reminded of evenings in my hometown with my friends, messing about as usual and hearing these birds and feeling comforted because you know if the birds are still out, it doesn't matter if you are.
Contradiction?

It reminds me of warm feelings that sadly I do not feel right now. I feel darkness, sadness.
I wish I could feel the warmth of happiness, love..

Someone provide me with these feelings, don't make me feel sad anymore.
It's these crushes that make me feel like this, maybe I should really stop looking for 'love' and let it find me. No matter how long it takes, I should take a seat back in this 'love life' of mine.

I love how I go off the subject completely.

Friendships and Hardships.

2009-09-29T12:39:00.000-07:00

Breathe in, breathe out. Let's do something different.
Inspirational lyrics.

Makes me want to go out and do more. Be free, stop going to the old park and town. DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
Let's get all the pennys we have together and go on a train to a new town and meet new people.
Create new friendships and love. But also keeping the old relationships in the process.

Memories that will last till our days of pensions and walking sticks.
New love that will have a lasting impact on the rest of your life for the good.
Friends that will do anything for you, all the cliches you can think of.

Just don't let go, of all the memories and connections with have now, cause in the future we will be making new ones with maybe you or different people. We may forget because our brains are so little we can't squeeze all these amazing memories in one little organ.

Am I making sense?

Loss

2009-09-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

I lost one follower makes me sad that I'm not satisfying the readers of this blog.
Give me idea's? At the moment I kind of have writers block it's horrible.
I'll think of something.
PROMISE

Ditching

2009-09-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

I'm kinda ditching this blog for LiveJournal.
But I prefer this blog anyway so I have no idea why?

Well right now I just can't stop thinking about this firey haired boy and I can't wait for maths tomorrow to see him, hehe.

Loss of respect

2009-09-24T09:05:00.000-07:00

Okay so I saw my friend do something I shouldn't of.
She has been with her boyfriend for a whole year and then I see her kiss some other guy while I was kind of, sort of spying on her with my other friend. How bad does this sound.

Fuck, what do I say.

HARD WORK PAYING OFF

2009-09-22T09:44:00.001-07:00

My wage for the month is £100 they have now given it a raise as I'm working so hard.
I'M SO EXCITED FOR PAYDAY!

Strangers

2009-09-20T08:57:00.000-07:00

This is what I shall name this photo, how I was feeling when I took this photo, we barely know each other anymore yet I know you so well...

How confusing and artsy fasty do I sound?

Anger

2009-09-19T05:10:00.000-07:00

I really need to control my anger sometimes, I just got angry at my friend Kate for no reason and hung up on her while she was talking to me.
She's meant to be coming round to my house later on as well. :S

I'M AN IDIOT.

A little thing

2009-09-17T14:45:00.000-07:00

I have a little thing for this ginger guy in my maths class, I love talking to him, kinda makes my heart flutter AND him and his girlfriend recently split.
I might start worming myself in his life, hehehe. Let's see how this goes >.<

Gimme some lovin'

2009-09-14T13:28:00.000-07:00

Where is the love for Jessica?
I never seem to get a break when it comes to love. If I do find someone it just ends badly or they don't like me back.
There is no point in me trying. Maybe I should stop looking and love will find me? I really hope so.

Unhappy

2009-09-13T14:22:00.001-07:00

It's not nice hearing the person you kinda like rant on about all these girls he likes is it really?

Aboard

2009-09-10T14:18:00.000-07:00

I really want to live in Hong Kong or Tokyo. Or even the chance of visiting those places would be amazing. Just the thought of those places make my mind wonder and what incredible places they are.
I've recently really realised (alliteration MUCH?!) that England and where I live is pretty much crap and I just want to travel the world and meet many people from different cultures.
I wish I knew every language in the world, cause then I would become a translator so I could travel to these places, but saddly I'm crap at languages. So that plan is fail.

I was looking at a brouchure for college today! Excited, yes I am :D
Just get me there now!

p.s i love reading the comments, i'm getting! keep them coming, thank you!

Talent.

2009-09-09T13:24:00.001-07:00

I wish I had some kind of talent, like drawing/painting or even singing.
I'm actually not good at anything specific. Someone give me something I could try out and become good at and gets lots of money? >.<

Well on a different note I have a job, should be getting £80 a month :D and I'm just really happy. YAY.

What will it take?

2009-09-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

For you to notice when I'm upset? To be able to say sorry even though you have no idea what you've even done.
Lose this pride and this stupidity. Be there for me, care.
I just want you to do one thing, love me?
I can't even work up the guts to tell you all of this, I'm coward and I want you to figure it out for yourself.

10 Followers! ♥

2009-09-06T13:50:00.002-07:00

Thank you so much everyone!
For the comments and following me, it's amazing. I really apperciate it.
Spread the word of my blog :)

Thank you again ♥

Sucker for sweet talk.

2009-09-06T04:25:00.000-07:00

I'm not saying who this post is about.
I don't want these feelings to be confirmed, but I know deep down they are already confirmed.
I think I do have feelings for you, whenever I realise that you will always like her more than me, I feel a sharp pain of jealously right in the stomach.
I need and want your love.
Whenever your not around me I feel like I don't have fun and I can never stop thinking about you.
I want to hurt you all the time, shows how much I want you to care and tell me you love me but she will always come first.

I just want you to know I love you dearly and you mean a lot.

Piggy in the middle

2009-09-05T12:08:00.000-07:00

Yes in the title I refered to myself as a pig. But I am literally playing piggy in the middle with the complaints of two friends.
Nicole on one side shooting insults at Kate on the other side who is not so innocent as she makes out to be.

I can't take all this fighting and being in the middle of it. I try to stay neutral but then one of them makes me angry, I hate best friends fighting. But they just can't seem to stop.

Someone help me.

My photography.

2009-09-04T11:20:00.000-07:00

Opinions? Anything I could do better?

My homie ♥

2009-09-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

This guy has been there for me whenever I needed him, he always makes me laugh and his cuddles are the best.
Even when he saw me on webcam crying he felt helpless because he wanted to do something and begged me to stop being sad. He shows that he really does care.
I hope he never walks out of my life like the rest of these 'best friends' (yes that was a snipe, lol)
Peter you're one adorable, incredible guy and I'm always there for you okay?

He'll never read this but I just had to mention how amazing he has been lately.
Oh and seriously isn't he the most adorable Asian you've ever seen?!

My weekend alone.

2009-08-31T04:00:00.000-07:00

My parents and siblings went camping and I had the house to myself for a whole two nights really shows that I'm starting to grow up.
But I was glad to see my parents car in the driveway this morning, I missed them just a bit :)

Trust

2009-08-29T04:52:00.000-07:00

What does it take for me to trust someone?
Honestly?
You have to be a listener and friendly. I don't genuinely know if I can't actually trust you, I just do.
It all blows up in my face, cause obviously those people can't be trusted.
No one can be trusted, we're all two-faced and thirsty for gossip.

I should know better.

Hope

2009-08-27T15:01:00.000-07:00

I caught a butterfly today, for the first time in my fifteen years of living.
Gives me hope.

Utada Hikaru

2009-08-25T07:00:00.000-07:00

Most beautiful voice and sweetest songs I've ever heard.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyUE0BU49X0 (LINK WON'T WORK)
That's just one of her songs and the english version of that song I've linked you to is used for the beginning of Kingdom Hearts 2, which I've been playing a lot lately.

I just love Japanese items lately.
I've been reading a lot of Death Note, watching Final Fantasy, playing Kingdom Hearts and listening to Utada Hikaru.
When I get money I'm buying a lot of things :D

Breakfast.

2009-08-25T01:29:00.000-07:00

Why does breakfast hate me so much?!
I mean the last couple of days there was no bacon for me and then finally there was for me yesterday but then there was no white bread so I had to have brown bread which never tastes as good with bacon. Today I decided to have cereal, NO FREAKING MILK. So I ate it by itself.

Oi, breakfast gimme a break will ya!

One week.

2009-08-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

Only one week of summer, makes me sad to think that I have to go back to the stress of coursework and mock exams.
I still need to do my photography coursework, I'm utterly screwed seriously.

I have idea's of doing a anime style like Kingdom Hearts or Final Fantasy with my friends.
I need to take some pictures of human forms and I just need to dress my friends up as anime characters and find some poses.

Could anyone help me here?

8 FOLLOWERS

2009-08-21T12:53:00.000-07:00

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I'M HAPPY ;D♥

Michael Jackson thoughts.

2009-08-21T12:44:00.000-07:00

Well recently I read a book about Michael Jackson's life professinally and personally.
It included all the controversial stories about the children, but honestly the book didn't change my opinion about him one little bit, I still love who he was and the music he produced.

I still remember him for the man who wanted to save the world and give to those who didn't have much and I think that is what everyone else should feel. But of course there is some spiteful people who believe the tabloids views.

It is controversial.

Sleep deprivation

2009-08-17T02:55:00.000-07:00

Well not last night the night before I stayed up on msn to Peter and Ollie, I stayed up till 10 to 5 exactly and the next day slept into only quarter past 12. So I had just over 7 hours sleep, that isn't enough for a teenager of my age.
Last night I stayed up till gone past 3am and really couldn't sleep cause my sleep pattern is now out of whack so I just put on Lion King and I really don't know how it does it but I went out like a light.

And here I am, after a night of 7 hours sleep I'm like D:
This is what the holidays are about guys!

Nobodies looking, but every body's talking.

2009-08-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

What I've give to turn it off and make it stop so all I could hear was a simple song.

Miley Cyrus♥

Neglection + death.

2009-08-10T04:53:00.000-07:00

I really have been neglecting this blog of mine.
But honestly I feel really empty at the moment, my cat Timmy died recently and I had him for 13 years of my life.
I came home from Portugal on Friday basically and came back to a lovely surprise of my room being done up and an opportunity for a job. Then of the course the bad news my beloved cat dieing.
Honestly I just feel empty, sounds so pathetic when I think about it but I do. He was always there, now he's just gone.
I was out with friends yesterday and I just ended up thinking too much and nearly crying in front of them all.

Yeah so these summer holidays have been pretty crap so far.

Portugal tomorrow.

2009-07-29T11:57:00.001-07:00

I'm gonna have mega fun and when I get back I will properly update on eveything I promise! :D
I love you guys.

YAAAAAAAAAAY

2009-07-26T01:18:00.000-07:00

I'M A BRIDESMAID TODAY, wish me luck :) x

50 things you probably don't know about me.

2009-07-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

1. I have 4 half sisters, 1 whole sister, 1 half brother and 1 step brother but i count them all as just my brothers and sisters.
2. My friends get annoyed at me cause I ask the most random questions that no one would know the answer to >.<
3. Tomorrow my father and step mum are getting married and I'm a bridesmaid.
4. I don't like the volume on anything being on a number in the 5x table.
5. I spend way too much time on my laptop, mostly on facebook.
6. I like coffee flavoured things but not coffee.
7. I can't make a good cup of hot chocolate, my step mum can!
8. I can't do chores around the house as I'm just useless at it and i just mess it up.
9. I've shared a room with my 12 year old sister for 7 years now.
10. My father owns a nightclub in Ipswich and everyone always asks me about it at my school.
11. I don't think I've ever been in love. But certainly close to it and I'll always have feelings for that one person.
12. My Grandad is Australian and my Mother is half Australian, which make me a quarter but I lie to everyone and just say I'm half.
13. I have a thing for boys that can c-walk or just hip-hop dance generally. But mostly c-walk!
14. I love Australian rainbow and bubblegum ice creams so much.
15. Australia and Portugal are my favourite places to go on holiday but I do wanna travel all over the world.
16. I love my music loud, but my laptop doesn't go loud enough ¬¬
17. When I miss people I don't stop thinking about them till I see them again.
18. I'd say I fall in love too easily, but it's not love it's lust.
19. If you confuse me I won't let go of the subject till you unconfuse me.
20. Being tickled actually scares me.
21. I can't walk in heels and I have to tomorrow for the wedding tomorrow and I'm freaking out about it.
22. I love dresses.
23. I hate it when in pictures girls purposely show off their cleavage.
24. When I get angry I cry.
25. I love roller coasters, i will go on anything and everything. I love the adrenaline rush.
26. I used to love chocolate bars but now a days I barely eat them anymore, guess thats a good thing?
27. I love being in a fit of giggles when you shouldn't be laughing, when it's uncontrollable.
28. I only ever get cramps in my calf muscle in the middle of the night.
29. I have seen busted in concert and got a top and everything! If you don't know who they are, seatch them up kks :)
30. I love getting to close to new people, mostly girls, boys end up, upsetting me.
31. I don't partically want to be in a relationship or rush into one, i love my freedom.
32. If your funny and loving, i'll like you.
33. I hate people who lie about the most pointless things.
34. I can detect the smell of B.O really easily and know who it is.
35. I don't ever speak my mind, unless I am really angry or upset. But I have to be really (emphasis on the really) angry or upset.
36. My eyes change colour from brown to green and vice versa. Many people tell me my eyes are pretty.
37. I have the Hollinsworth side of my family looks.
38. I wish I had more posters around my room, or just my OWN ROOM.
39. I HATE HATE HATE the smell of tuna.
40. I complain way too much especially when I'm bored.
41. I love floral wallpaper.
42. Sims 2 is my all time favourite game and I'm desperate for Sims 3.
43. Tutti frutti is my fave gum fer sure.
44. I always leave my coursework to the last minute and so I only get myself marks that let me pass by the skin of my teeth.
45. Grazia magazine is amazing, but expensive.
46. Moulin Rouge is an all time classic and favourite of mine.
47. I love Cucumber & green tea scent dove roll-on >.<
48. I'd rather wear girl boxers than any other underwear.
49. I've never fainted or broken a bone, in my 15 years of living.
50. This has took me more than 2 hours to do and I've enjoyed every second of it :L

Oh yeah, I'm back.

2009-07-25T06:04:00.000-07:00

I actually came back on the 23rd because my holiday was cut short. It was basically crap >.<
But I hadn't had time to post because i got home went to bed got up went to town with friends and then just got back from a sleepover at Kate's, which was a Harry Potter night :)
Still haven't seen the six! Is it worth going to see?

Yeah so I have a couple of idea's for blogs now and I'll be posting them like very very soon! :D

Seeya!

18th-24th

2009-07-17T23:23:00.000-07:00

I'm now off.
I won't be posting on here but if you wanna know what I'm getting upto here is a link to my facebook, as I most probably will be on there from time to time updating.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/profile.php?id=1306223089&ref=profile
(THE LINKS WON'T FREAKING WORK)

I hope everyone has a lovely jubbly week!
Ciao x

Summerrrrrr

2009-07-17T09:57:00.000-07:00

is actually here right now.
I've finished school.

But I don't feel happy, I don't feel free. I actually feel quite crappy.
I think it may be the fact that my family are taking me away again and I can't be having fun with my friends and meeting new people. But I just did have a really crap day. I don't know what it was exactly, just was.

But I still haven't packed for my camping trip and I still need to get credit and maybe start my epic long photography coursework, which I won't and rush at the end of the holidays cause that is what I do :)

Not really sure what else to say, I hope all you guys are having an amazing summer.
Goodbye gorgeous people x

Summer

2009-07-16T14:15:00.000-07:00

is nearly fucking here!
Only one more freaking day of school and then NONE for six weeks :D
But on Saturday I go off camping for a week and then I come back to my Dad's and Step mum's wedding and then I go to PORTUGAL ;D

I'm just pissed cause I don't get to see friends and I miss a few nights but I will have another 4 weeks with them :)
I will do a proper big post tomorrow before I leave.

Anger

2009-07-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

You wouldn't believe how fucking angry I am right now. People always seem to take me for fucking granted, I'm always there for a chat to have fun just to be there and people just throw it back in my fucking face.

I feel like crying cause I'm so fucking angry.
I feel like comfort eating so much that I get major fat and then I won't be able to move and no one would be able to talk to me anymore so I won't have to deal with this human contact.
The human race, especially boys are the most confusing thing. I can't take it anymore, I wanna scream and everyones face. TALK TO ME.
I'm a nice girl who is fun to chat to at times. But when people make me feel like this I'm truely not.

I hate the human race, they're a chemical scum.

What a lovely day.

2009-07-05T17:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I woke up and got ready to go to the cinema to see Transformers 2 for Dan's birthday with Kate, Thea, Jake, Ben, Dale and Zack.
Movie was amazing! NOMNOM.

Then we were like off to the park we go! So we met up with Amelia and her drunk friend first when we got to hippy hill got a big hug from Cameron and he told me he loved me. We sat down by who we call Ping-Pong and he stole my i-Pod and then Mattie decided to take it didn't even say hi or anything and I was like fine.
I also saw Jake since ages ago and he picked me up which scared me and gave me a lovely hug when he said goodbye and kissed me on the neck.
I also saw Luke and he was lovely and gave me a lot of hugs and kissed me on the cheek.
I got a few hugs off of Chris which were nice and Thea of course!

Just a day filled with lovely hugs!

SATURDAY MORNING

2009-07-04T00:10:00.001-07:00

UP EARLY cause of work= NOT HAPPY JESSICA.

Still in shock.

2009-06-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

I just can't over the fact that Michael Jackson isn't around anymore, what happened was completely out of the blue. Me and probably everyone else in the whole world have been taken off guard.
I keep listening to his songs now, maybe just to keep him alive with me. The strange thing isn't I wasn't even a big fan?

On a lighter note! I had an simply amazing weekend.
Thea slept round cause we were off early the next day to go to THORPE PARK!
Here are some photo's;

I don't understand what happened to my hair :L

Lolol me in the background.

I went on this, it was freaking amazing/scary.
Saw-the ride, I was seriously shitting myself because it had scary inside bits. But it was pretty good. I got a photo of me, Thea and my big sister on it AND a DVD of our reactions on the ride, how cool I know!

Then I came home to a party, for our neighbours, I was too tired to have fun.
Today I went with Mother to get Work Experience clothes. Which is on Tuesday :|
I then went to Dad's house and played on Wii fit and then went to eat out, which was lovely.

I have tomorrow off, cause the Library isn't open for my work experience muahah. So tomorrow, I'm gonna lay in and do some coursework and chores.
I'll do an update of everyday for when I do go to work experience :)

seeezzzz yazz laterzzzz

Michael Jackson

2009-06-25T23:51:00.001-07:00

R.I.P you will be missed by many of your fans across the whole world.
Music will never ever be the same again, without you there to contribute.

I am completely shocked to hear the news, it's like the same situation when Steve Irwin passed away. It's so sad.

I leave all my love with his family and friends.

Sports day

2009-06-24T13:41:00.001-07:00

Was freaking amazing.
I love my school lot so much.

And there ya' go!
I will update properly one day >.<

SPORTS DAY

2009-06-23T23:23:00.001-07:00

A DAY OF DOING NOTHING
I've got out of any events every year and as this is my last sports day I didn't intend to do any this year either.
Well it's a beautiful sunny day, EVERYONE HAVE FUN.

What a strange weekend.

2009-06-21T06:33:00.000-07:00

Well how do I start this?

My weekend started so God damn nicely.
I was so excited about seeing everyone at the park and everything seemed amazing.
I went to Kate's house for a sleepover and got hold of a lot of alcohol got really quite tipsy. Had mega fun.
Me and Kate even round for a walk at 4am round our little town, it was pretty damn amazing. Two girls in their pj's at half 4 in the morning running round a deserted Tesco's carpark.
Then we fell asleep watching Lee Evans back at hers.

I woke up and so everyone else did around 10am.
Then I went home still in my pj's. Got ready to go out and met up with everyone again. (Thea, Kate, Nikki and Rachael)
To be honest the weather was complete and utter shit not the best for sitting around in a park. Plus the fact we had to run for the bus in the rain ¬¬

We went up the park and Thea suddenly decided she wanted some food. (There was like no one at the park at time).
So Kate and Thea went to get some food. While me, Rach and Nikki went down the hill and shared a bottle of straight vodka between us. Didn't do anything, so it was all good.

Then we came back up the hill and then suddenly a huge group of people arrived. Cameron and Mattie were also there.
Cameron came up to me and gave me the biggest, longest hug ever. It was amazing.
Me and Mattie ignored each other, I think it was too awkward since what he said was kinda whoaaaa. I wish I went and talked to him now ¬¬

We sat down again and it started raining so we started to walk into town and Thea and Kate turned up. Thea was obviously annoyed at us.
Mostly because of the alcohol.

Well basically walking back Amelia who was with her made a comment saying 'We're the sober kids'
And they all laughed. Pissed me, Rach and Nikki off. I know it wasn't much but it still hurt.

So us three fucked off without them, got some stuff then went back to the park.
We sat by ourselves.
Then they all came back into the park and sat with everyone else. We basically looked like loners.
I saw Mattie keep staring at me, I felt so bad and had a urge to go and talk to him because I miss him so freaking much.
He wanted to meet me today but as it was Fathers day I couldn't. I feel so bad ¬¬

So yeah we fucked off out of the park and went home early, Mattie still staring at me.
So yeah I felt like complete shit, everything was so fucked up. Another crap Saturday for me.
I wish people would give me a break.

Anyway so yeah, I kinda made up with everyone now.
AND YEAH BORED AND TIRED NOW.
How is everyone?

Big time whoaaa

2009-06-18T08:59:00.000-07:00

Well last night I was just going about my business on the laptop and I saw that Mattie had left me a comment on Bebo.
And it read 'Jess must unblock Mattie, so he can tell you something important.'
So I was like uh okay...

I sat there staring at his name thinking does he really deserve to be unblocked. He treated me like shit when all I ever wanted was to be nice to him and be his friend, I've always been there for him 100%.

But I was like, okay I'll just unblock him and see what he has to say and then block him again. As I thought it was easier for me just to block him out of my life all together rather than try and fail with him.

So the conversation went like this; (It may be a bit long by the way).

Mattie: Hello young Jessica. (¬¬)
Me: Hi.
Mattie: I'm sorry for being a total nob kays.
Me: You say sorry and then it'll just go back to how it was again.
What's the point?
Mattie: But I have reasons, which I shouldn't tell you.
But I will.
Me: Okay?
Mattie: Like, the thing is. I need to push you away, because I love as you love me but I'm scared I'll begin to love you too much if you get me.
(Me and Mattie have had a thing before and he has never really got over it.)
Me: And why would that happen? I thought we got past the stage of like liking each other?
Mattie: I don't know Jess, it just happens and I want to tell you. But I'm scared that it'll ruin our friendship and shit. But I thought as you hate me right now I may as well go for it. It's like a 50/50 thing.
Me: It would never ruin our friendship and I don't hate you. I was just really pissed off.
Mattie: How come it wouldn't ruin our relationship? I thought it would be all awkward, considering you're over feeling the same way e.t.c.
Me: Because I wouldn't let it, I never feel awkward around you. So are you saying you did start to like me again? Or you were scared you were gonna?
Mattie: I think I'm starting too =/
(This is when I thought OHH SHIT.)
Me: But how can you? You never talk to me anymore, let alone see me.
Mattie: But it's just the feeling Jess. I listen to things and they remind me of you e.t.c and it's really weird.
Me: In a way that is really sweet.
(Made me go aawwww a bit.)

Skip a bit of the conversation..

Mattie: You don't feel the same why anymore do you? I don't think you do but just asking.
Me: You know what after that amazing day when we spoke for ages, just me and you I thought I did a bit. But now I don't think, sorry.
Mattie: I thought not. No chance of trying or shall I just leave it?
Me: I want things to go back to normal, but they won't will they?
Mattie: Hmmm I don't know.

Skipping a bit...

Me: If you want to talk to me again or not. We may as well stop now, if you don't want to.
Mattie: I do want to Jess, I really do. More than anything in the world.
Me: You think the solution to the problem is to push me away and blank me. It really hurt Mattie.
Mattie: I really wanna try and stuff believe me, But I don't know. I just think you think it's going to be a waste of time.
(Nice to know what he thinks of me, he didn't quite word that right :L, so I said this...)
Me: I don't get it why would I think it's gonna be a waste of time. You make me out to be a bitch.
Mattie: Sorry I didn't mean it like that. All I'm saying is everything deserves a second chance, cause Jess we know each other a lot more and stuff so I wanna try, it's up to you. I just want you to think.
(It's true when we first went out like a year ago, we'd only known each other for like 2 weeks or so. Now we know each other wayyy too well.)

Skip a bit moree...

Mattie: I just want this between me and you okay?
Me: Okay then.
Mattie: And I promise if you think this over and it's a no, we'll still be friends.
And if you do say yes can we keep it between us for a little while and just see how it goes.

I found this a bit strange but it kinda makes sense.
But I don't think I could ever think of him in that way again and if we did get together and split for some reason we won't be friends again and it'll be awkward.
Oh I don't know what to do.

Someone please help me decide.

Meaningless post

2009-06-16T23:44:00.000-07:00

I honestly have anything to say, nothing important happening.
I've been feeling kind of empty lately, I think it's because of all this change occuring lately.
It's mostly because I've feel like I've lost two of the closest people to me.
Mattie and Cameron.
Well I was getting sick and tired of Mattie because he seemed to be awkward with me and my friends and kept ignoring us. So I was like 'THAT'S IT' and I told him to fuck off and I don't like how he has changed. There is more to the story as well that I may or may not explain.

Then Cameron, I still talk to a lot on msn and everything is fine and dandy with that. But ever since getting his girlfriend Jasmine I never ever see him for more than like 5 minutes on the weekends. I hate it, I truely do.
We used to be so close.

Oh yeah, Australia.
Amazing film, one of the most magical, amazing things I've ever since in my life. It made me cry so many times for so long you wouldn't understand. Because it would get really sad and then really good again. But the movie literally went on for ages and you thought it was going to end and then it would keep going. But I totally recommend it guys, please got out and buy it.

And Black Eyed Pea's new song I recommend! It's an amazing happy song, like you dance along to and have fun to.
I'm listening to it really loud right now and it's making me really happy.

Well I must be off to the place of nastinessdufbeogeewdsh, which is school.

Baz Luhrman

2009-06-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

Is the most amazing director ever.
I've seen most of his movies so far and now watching Australia.
So far of I've seen of it, it's really amazing.

I also love Nicole Kidman to be quite honest!
Moulin Rouge is the best I've seen so far of course!

Oh how I love movies at the moment.

:/

2009-06-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say I'm a positive and happy person most of the time, but the truth is I'm really not. I'm sorry for the misleading and confusion the fake smile causes people.
I'm not worth the trouble.

Trips to the forest.

2009-06-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

It was actually really nice my camping trip this weekend.
I spent a lot of time with my neighbour Jack which was strange, but it was nice.
My highlight of the trip was fighting for glow sticks in the dark, amazing fun :L

I took a load of pictures as well:

There was some beautiful views.

We had a fire, roasted marshmallows and everything!

Me, my sister and brother.

OH AND..

MY CHICKENS ;D
Most adorable things everrrrrrr.

Camping

2009-06-12T09:01:00.001-07:00

I'm off to camp again with my family and my next door neighbours oh the fun! ;D
xoxox

Primary school love.

2009-06-11T13:26:00.001-07:00

I actually feel like I've gone straight back to Primary school.
Well last night I decided to tell Jake all of those feelings I explained in my last post over msn and I just felt so childish. I shouldn't have to do this over msn, it's so immature.
But he then said he didn't realise and that he is sorry, he kept saying how he really does like me.
I wouldn't reply as I was annoyed. So he said he would call me if I didn't reply and I was like OMG NONONONONO. What is wrong with me I'm so immature!? We could of sorted it out by phone, would of been much much easier.
But I just said I don't really want him talking to me anymore and so on. But yet he still is ¬¬

And now guess what?!
His best friend tells me over msn like a primary schooler he likes me in that way and that he thinks I'm a great girl. How freaking great. HIS BEST FRIEND.

Now if I do go to the u-18's night. I'll be scared to see Jake and David (best friend). I don't think I'll go, I'll go to the next one until it all cools down and goes away.

EVERYTHING IS SO HETIC.

Jake follow-up

2009-06-10T13:02:00.000-07:00

You know I started to fall for him and I really did.
He decided to get a girlfriend after my realisation I did like him.
'Danielle' was her name and I say was because he broke up with her Saturday night.
I asked him why and he just said 'I have my reasons.'
So then he decides to call me and constantly go on web cam to me again. Like I was just a back-up or something, if you get me. Most girls know the feeling.

But all of a sudden in a space of a few days all of that attention has just completely and utterly stopped. Nothing ever, no texts/calls/msn. I feel like I've just been tossed a side like I'm no good anymore. Like he's got everything he can out of me.
I've been trying to talk to him again, I get like nothing out of him.
Why do boys always want to make themselves out to be dicks to me, I thought he was kind of something else. But he really wasn't.
I should of followed my first judgement of him a flirt, a player, a girl-user. Gets satisfaction of having many girls going at once.

I'm now sitting here listening to 'You could be happy'-Snow Patrol. One of the most adorable songs I've ever listened to nearly in tears.

I want to swear boys out of my life forever. I even said to one of my closest friends last night I'm not going to bother with boys for a while I don't want any new ones coming into my life either. I hope I'll stick by that, they are the main reason I get upset and cry every night.

I'm looking at his name on msn right now and shouting at it 'TALK TO ME, TALK TO ME'
Even clicking on his name, getting ready to write something and then stop and shouting 'TALK TO ME' again.

It's not worth it, I'll get over it.
I always do I've gotten good at it by now.

Another relationship failed due to my foolishness.

Mmmmm

2009-06-09T00:32:00.000-07:00

Last night I was not a happy girl, due to the fact it was my Grandma's birthday and she passed away 3 years ago and that everyone really didn't seem themselves last night including me.

Then I looked outside the sky was this orangey pinky colour merging together it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen the pink light was shining through my big windows. It was so beautiful I started to cry.
I had no idea why I cried exactly but it was nice, everything was just building up.

Well I woke up this morning in a bad mood as well, but I won't have many people around to get on my nerves, as they are on a school trip. Just me and Kate today :)

OMGOMGOMGGGGGGG

2009-06-05T09:40:00.000-07:00

CAN'T WAITTTT :)

^^

2009-06-04T08:34:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday Nikki! I love you.

Science

2009-06-02T23:50:00.000-07:00

I have a science GCSE exam tomorrow!
And I've barely revised. They're well important and like go on your CV and stuff for jobs.
I'm not gonna do well.
But tonight and today I'm gonna revise all I can. I need a good grade in science. I already got an A* on my coursework so it's going well.

AAAHHHH!

fuck

2009-06-02T13:58:00.000-07:00

I think I'm starting to fall for this Jake.
I just can't seem to stop staring at him when we are on webcam together and ahh fuck. I don't wanna like him.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

How can I stop this guys, please?

Let's just say

2009-06-02T00:15:00.000-07:00

I wasn't happy last night. For many reasons.

- This Jake guy is getting to me, he is a big flirt and a bit of a twat but I kinda don't want his crush thing on me to stop but I know it should cause I shouldn't lead him on. I must talk to him about it all before I fall on my face.

- My best friend Cameron has just fucked off cause of his girlfriend Jasmine. I feel like I've lost him already and I really don't like it.

- I'm scared I have feelings for my friend who's name I won't mention because I don't want to admit it might be true. I hope this blows over.

):

2009-06-01T14:56:00.000-07:00

My stomach feels like its swelling from the pain and upset I am feeling right now.

To follow up

2009-06-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

with this situation with Jake.
I met up with Thea and Kate yesterday and decided to talk to Thea about him. She had no clue as to what had gone on. She said she really, seriously doesn't like him.
I didn't believe her but she said no really I don't. But I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it cause I don't think I really like him in that way.
I told them that he wanted to meet up with me and a different park and they were like go Jess and I was like nono.

We met Mattie and Cameron (+ new girlfriend) and Thea and Kate left me with them to go see Jake and stuff.
I went for a walk with Mattie and we had an amazing chat with him it was amazing, I love Mattie so much.
Then Kate and Thea came back and told me Jake was stoned as, I was so glad I didn't go. Never knew what he would of tried.
Mattie said if he would of laid a finger on me then he would of gone crazy, bless him.

So then me, Thea, Mattie and Kate chatted for ages.
Kate cried cause of her twat boyfriend D:
Then Cameron and Jaz (girlfriend) found us and we had to leave. I didn't want to leave cause I had an amazing day!

Now I am back at school and it's shite! But only 7 weeks till summer holidays :D:D
How is everyone hanging?

So yeah this guy

2009-05-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

Jake, I'm really not sure about him.
Well in the week I just started randomly texting him and we were flirting a lot, I did keep thinking about him. But I was like urgh whatever.
Then I find out from my friend Kate that he got off with Thea in the middle of the week. I was hurt just a little bit but I just deleted all the texts and shed a little tear and I was fine. I swore I wouldn't turn my phone on for the rest of the holiday.
Well that plan failed and I ended up turning it on to see I had 1 missed call off Jake and several texts telling me to wake up to talk.
I wasn't happy with him so I was being off with him. Then I said I heard to got off with Thea. He said well I kinda feel bad, cause I kinda like you.
And I was like urrr k? I didn't know what to think of it all.

I told him he didn't really like me and stuff but he was sure he does and told me he couldn't stop thinking about me.
I was weary because I was afraid Thea might like him and I was unsure as to if I did.
And when he asked to meet up or call me I'd say no and make up excuses.

But I've given in again. I let him call me and we spoke for nearly 3 hours.
I don't know what to do though. Shall I carry this on or stop it?
He wants to meet tomorrow, I might just avoid him. He geniuely does like me and I really don't wanna mess him around because he is lovely really.

AHHHH SO CONFUSED!

I'm back!

2009-05-30T16:21:00.000-07:00

from Dorset and it was beautiful sunny yayness!
Well I got to see Kate and I've been on the phone to Jake and David for like 2 hours now good times (Y):D

I'll update properly later :)

Camping in Dorset

2009-05-22T15:06:00.000-07:00

Well I'm going to Dorset to camp with my family from the 22th of May till the 30th of May.
So I won't be updating obvsiously. I will once I get back!
I hope everyone has a nice week :)
xxxxxx

I think

2009-05-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

I'm obsessed with Finnish people from now on :L
My friend Sophie told me that there were Finnish people coming over and I thought aahh their going to be weddy little things, whatever.
But then I was walking back to my form room from art with Dan and I was like "I've never seen them before." And Dan said "They're the Finnish people."
And I was like "WHAT."
They are meant to be my age (Fifteen) they looked about 20 and just so whoaaa. There was this really gorgeous, emo-looking girl with big scene kid hair and the tiniest waist you would ever seen. There was also a blonde haired girl who was beautiful.
And I was like omgggggg, but all the boys were creepy and weedy.
Me, Thea and Rachael basically followed them around all lunchtime cause it's like so amazing to have a different nationality at our school and this blonde haired boy kept staring at us and we were like "Aaaahhh." >.<
Tomorrow there will be two of them in our form ;D

Just amazing, I think I'm obsessed with other countries genuinely.

Not the brightest atm

2009-05-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's wrong with me all of a sudden.
I feel so crap and I have no idea why?
I don't want next week to come along cause I'm shitting myself about the work experience meeting and doing the psychology experiment on kids I don't know by myself.
I just hate school so fucking much right now it's unbelieveable. I just want to go to college and have fun.
I hate my school.
I hate the thought that we only have tomorrow and then we have to go back in on Monday.

I know all I have to do is think positive and everything will turn out fine with these things. But I'm too un-confident.
I really wish I did have confidence.
I wish I was a completely different person sometimes.

I wish I was pretty, skinny and really smart. But you can't have everything.
Oh how my exams would be so good if I was smart. I'm totally freaking out about exams.

I wish I could get out more like to parties and stuff. I wish my Mum would let me do more things and not worry so much about me.

I wouldn't normally say this but I wish I had a boyfriend, cause you see I don't really care about being single. But lately is mostly what I think about because you see all these girls in these long-term relationships experiencing everything together, having fun. Like Ladon and Rachael. Oh how I envy her sometimes
But there is no one around, plus the stupid thing is I'm scared of love, I'm scared of commitment. I know I'm not the type of girl to go around kissing guys all the time but I'm truely scared of it all. I hate it so much.
I wish I had the confidence to meet guys and see where it goes. But I don't.

Just needed someone to let it out to. I wish I didn't feel this way right now.
I want to be positive but I just feel so gloomy at the moment.

Bored times

2009-05-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

School posty

2009-05-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

I don't know whether you guys would like to read my rant about my school stuff, ahh well you're gonna have to now :D

Well tonight I have done history coursework, doing stuff in my photography book and like an hours worth of science revision.
I marked my first mock science gcse thing and I got one mark off of a B! I was angry with myself, the physics bit let me down! Not my strongest bit.
But I have another mock but I don't know when cause we were meant to have to today but then they didn't do it. Don't know why :L

I have to do a psychology experiment on a form of year sevens soon and I'm so scared about it. It's about cue-dependency and shit. Not fun. The coursework is so hard and I don't get most of it.

So yeah that was my school rant.
Things are mostly good lately. Today was well nice, had psychology with Chris and I love him. Science where we just revised while me, Sophie and Kate bitched about people and then Maths with Rachael and Kyle which is always hilarious.
I was balancing on like three legs on my chairs while we were on the computers and she decided to kick the leg and I like completely fell off my chair onto the floor, me and Rachael were in hysterics but then my maths teacher saw me, Mr Rudge and was like what the hell are you girls doing.
And then I said my leg hurts and he took the actual piss out of me and didn't ask if I was alright! But I do love my Maths teacher! He is like an old man who tries to be funny but isn't but it is funny cause he is trying ;D

ANYWAY.
Imma stop now! NIGHT ;D xxxx

Wellwell

2009-05-11T12:48:00.000-07:00

I have a science mock exam tomorrow so I've been revising for a while.
And I feel really shit and I just want my best friend to notice me but he never does anymore it feels like he just can't be bothered with me. I can never ever say these things to him.
I really wish I could. I hate myself for keeping it to myself.

Everything just feels so wrong right now and everyone is changing.
I'm finding stuff about one of my friends that I thought I never would of before. I don't normally mind change and just get on with my life, but this time I'm scared about what the change may bring.

And my best friend is fixed on getting his old friendship group from last year back together and have them back and it just makes me feel so unwanted and not good enough for him. He doesn't realise how much it hurts me when he says that.
I hope one I do eventually drift away from him he misses me like fuck and I won't ever come back to him. I want that so badly.

I just wish everyone would just fuck off out of my life right now.
But I don't really mean it.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

2009-05-11T09:28:00.000-07:00

Yes everything is a bit poo again.
I feel like I actually have to do anything to be close to my so called best friend. I can't take it.

Stuff just is never really good now a days.

Bad mood

2009-05-09T15:37:00.000-07:00

I'm in a mood where I think would anyone actually, generally care if I wasn't here anymore.
I would like to see their reactions if I did just leave or die.
I always have the option of moving to Australia and I could like now if I wanted. I wonder would people care?

I always

2009-05-09T14:04:00.000-07:00

have to make the fucking effort with you, you fucking arsehole.
I actually can't be arsed.
I can't stop crying I want you to care for me and ask me whats wrong when I'm upset but all you do is talk about getting high and your new hoe.

I CAN'T TAKE IT.
PLEASE JUST WORRY ABOUT ME.

My eventful evening

2009-05-08T15:36:00.001-07:00

Well everyone is fighting.
Because of one person.
It's horrible.
Making me so upset, I'm crying.

I fucking tired to be nice, no point. Fuck it to be honest.

mmmmmmmm

2009-05-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

do you like hurting me so?
I don't understand, your in a horrible mood so you make me feel like shit as well. Hardly fair is it? Well you don't give a shit so it doesn't matter.

Anyway on a lighter note.
Me and my bestest Thea are doing a story together we have decided it's something to do in our spare time. Thea is going to write one chapter and I'll write the nextt.
I can't wait to get it tomorrow, as Thea has started the first chapter :)

I'm also writing a script for media coursework, I don't think it's too bad. I won't say what it's about because it sounds really stupid.

Urrr anyway, more followers pleaseee and thankyou :)

Things

2009-05-05T13:53:00.000-07:00

with Cameron have looked up.
Everything is amazingly lovely and I feel great tonight.

I do love my best friend with all my heart, even with these stupid fights.

Everyone

2009-05-04T14:54:00.000-07:00

please search up the song, Boats and Birds by The Scene Aesthetic.
The most sweetest, amazing song I've ever heard like ever.
DO IT LIKE NOW!