Another night, another dream wasted on you.

I'm sick of you sending me signals when you don't feel that way really, you made my heart skip a beat the other day, no one has done that in a long time. You mean something so special, but I'm so unsure- what's the motive of all of this? Just to get hurt? I don't bloody think so, I'm not going to let our beautiful friendship be the receiver of the bombshell of the sucky consequences because stupid unpredictable feelings I have.
But I also don't want to play the 'broken-hearted girl' every single day of my life; I want to be able to play the strong, confident woman. Who can brush her feelings away and forget about them, till they fade away.

In my head right now; "IDIOT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"
I basically told him I like him; fucking hell!? He is basically my best friend and I'm talking about how I'm not sure of my feelings about him and stuff. Why did I have to reveal this to him? I didn't want to. I never wanted to, I wanted to leave it till it went away because that's what I do best; nothing.
Now he's going to think I'm a right stupid munter for saying something and get all confused. Fuck, well I've thrown my phone across the room so it's in pieces at the moment so he won't be able to contact me through my mobile. I hope he's just gone to sleep and not really thought about it. But in a way, I hope he has.

Oh who am I kidding; he'd never go for a girl like me in a million, zillion years. He flirts with the 'skinny-Minnie blondie boobie girly girls like slaggy Lindsay'-sorry Angus, thongs and perfect snogging quote there. But it's true, I'm not like that and frankly I'm not prepared to change myself for some guy. I just want someone who wants me for me. I just wish he did.

I feel so crap at the moment and I have no one to talk to about it.
I just can't stop thinking about my life, all of it. I'm thinking about my Mum and Step Dad recently splitting and how I've been so horrible to my Step Dad now. I'm thinking about school and exams and how I know I'm going to fail all of them and I have to leave school in a week and I'm not ready for it. I'm also thinking about the same old boys, but I don't want to go into that at the moment because they shouldn't be important.
I just want to be relieved from all my problems.

Recently I tried smoking. It was about a week and a half ago, I was at a party very drunk to be fair and ended up having a whole one to myself. I also had another whole one recently after being out again. Now being the worrier I am, I'm scared that I'm going to end up being addicted. I'll probably end up being a social smoker.

Mmmmmm, well that's what on my mind at the moment.

Philophobia

Definition: a fear of love, falling in love.

Defining The Problem: Philophobia is defined as the abnormal, persistent and unwarranted fear of falling in love. Every year, the phobia causes countless people needless distress and so many abstain from getting emotionally involved. A restless feeling of being betrayed in love pricks you and unrests your mind. You do not feel emotionally secured in life. This eventually affects the quality of life and pushes you away from any sort of commitment.

Reasons Giving Rise To The Problem: You may fear rejection and that pose as a great reason of embarrassment that deters you from even getting involved with anyone.

I really think I may have a very mild case of Philophobia.

Well it's just gone past two in the morning and I had turned my computer off and then I realised I'm in a blogging mood.
I'm confused, the fact that you're acting different towards me. You don't normally say i love you first, you don't normally desperatly want to see me. Are you sending me signals or am I hoping too much?
I've been watching loads of NANA episodes a Japanese anime series, it's all about love. The main character Hachiko/Nana falls in love with someone called Nobu-Chan and they have the cutest relationship and Nobu says the sweetest things to Nana. It makes me so jealous of what they have, I would kill for something like that. A loving relationship so I knew that, that person would do pretty much anything for me and would love to spend time with me, no matter what we're doing.
Ever single day of my life I seem to wish for this, it kind of scares me how reguarly I think about this. I wish I was one of those people that didn't mind being alone, take things as they come not constantly wishing for things to happen.
I shouldn't be wishing, I should be out there getting what I want even though not everything will have the outcome I wish for.

Yet again another post about how much I want to fall in love.

I figured out the other day that it has been seven months since I started liking him, he has been made me feel extreme lows and highs for the past seven bloody months. I seriously think this is fucking crazy, like out of this world crazy.
It's horrible thinking that he has been able to keep me hanging onto him for this long, it doesn't make sense it's like I'm waiting for something to happen. But I haven't even told him, not even hinted that I've been hopelessly in 'love' with him for this long. I feel like a sitting duck, waiting to be hurt with everyday that goes by.
Cause I know I haven't followed advice from friends or even my heart, I've decided to be stubborn and not risk myself getting pummeled to the ground and laughed at by the rejection, in reality I'm waiting for it to disappear and play out, so I don't have to deal with any consequences at all, because that is what I'm most scared of.
I'm scared of love and rejection.