Another night, another dream wasted on you.

I'm sick of you sending me signals when you don't feel that way really, you made my heart skip a beat the other day, no one has done that in a long time. You mean something so special, but I'm so unsure- what's the motive of all of this? Just to get hurt? I don't bloody think so, I'm not going to let our beautiful friendship be the receiver of the bombshell of the sucky consequences because stupid unpredictable feelings I have.
But I also don't want to play the 'broken-hearted girl' every single day of my life; I want to be able to play the strong, confident woman. Who can brush her feelings away and forget about them, till they fade away.

In my head right now; "IDIOT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"
I basically told him I like him; fucking hell!? He is basically my best friend and I'm talking about how I'm not sure of my feelings about him and stuff. Why did I have to reveal this to him? I didn't want to. I never wanted to, I wanted to leave it till it went away because that's what I do best; nothing.
Now he's going to think I'm a right stupid munter for saying something and get all confused. Fuck, well I've thrown my phone across the room so it's in pieces at the moment so he won't be able to contact me through my mobile. I hope he's just gone to sleep and not really thought about it. But in a way, I hope he has.

Oh who am I kidding; he'd never go for a girl like me in a million, zillion years. He flirts with the 'skinny-Minnie blondie boobie girly girls like slaggy Lindsay'-sorry Angus, thongs and perfect snogging quote there. But it's true, I'm not like that and frankly I'm not prepared to change myself for some guy. I just want someone who wants me for me. I just wish he did.

I feel so crap at the moment and I have no one to talk to about it.
I just can't stop thinking about my life, all of it. I'm thinking about my Mum and Step Dad recently splitting and how I've been so horrible to my Step Dad now. I'm thinking about school and exams and how I know I'm going to fail all of them and I have to leave school in a week and I'm not ready for it. I'm also thinking about the same old boys, but I don't want to go into that at the moment because they shouldn't be important.
I just want to be relieved from all my problems.

Recently I tried smoking. It was about a week and a half ago, I was at a party very drunk to be fair and ended up having a whole one to myself. I also had another whole one recently after being out again. Now being the worrier I am, I'm scared that I'm going to end up being addicted. I'll probably end up being a social smoker.

Mmmmmm, well that's what on my mind at the moment.