Another night, another dream wasted on you.

I'm sick of you sending me signals when you don't feel that way really, you made my heart skip a beat the other day, no one has done that in a long time. You mean something so special, but I'm so unsure- what's the motive of all of this? Just to get hurt? I don't bloody think so, I'm not going to let our beautiful friendship be the receiver of the bombshell of the sucky consequences because stupid unpredictable feelings I have.
But I also don't want to play the 'broken-hearted girl' every single day of my life; I want to be able to play the strong, confident woman. Who can brush her feelings away and forget about them, till they fade away.

In my head right now; "IDIOT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"
I basically told him I like him; fucking hell!? He is basically my best friend and I'm talking about how I'm not sure of my feelings about him and stuff. Why did I have to reveal this to him? I didn't want to. I never wanted to, I wanted to leave it till it went away because that's what I do best; nothing.
Now he's going to think I'm a right stupid munter for saying something and get all confused. Fuck, well I've thrown my phone across the room so it's in pieces at the moment so he won't be able to contact me through my mobile. I hope he's just gone to sleep and not really thought about it. But in a way, I hope he has.

Oh who am I kidding; he'd never go for a girl like me in a million, zillion years. He flirts with the 'skinny-Minnie blondie boobie girly girls like slaggy Lindsay'-sorry Angus, thongs and perfect snogging quote there. But it's true, I'm not like that and frankly I'm not prepared to change myself for some guy. I just want someone who wants me for me. I just wish he did.

I feel so crap at the moment and I have no one to talk to about it.
I just can't stop thinking about my life, all of it. I'm thinking about my Mum and Step Dad recently splitting and how I've been so horrible to my Step Dad now. I'm thinking about school and exams and how I know I'm going to fail all of them and I have to leave school in a week and I'm not ready for it. I'm also thinking about the same old boys, but I don't want to go into that at the moment because they shouldn't be important.
I just want to be relieved from all my problems.

Recently I tried smoking. It was about a week and a half ago, I was at a party very drunk to be fair and ended up having a whole one to myself. I also had another whole one recently after being out again. Now being the worrier I am, I'm scared that I'm going to end up being addicted. I'll probably end up being a social smoker.

Mmmmmm, well that's what on my mind at the moment.

Philophobia

Definition: a fear of love, falling in love.

Defining The Problem: Philophobia is defined as the abnormal, persistent and unwarranted fear of falling in love. Every year, the phobia causes countless people needless distress and so many abstain from getting emotionally involved. A restless feeling of being betrayed in love pricks you and unrests your mind. You do not feel emotionally secured in life. This eventually affects the quality of life and pushes you away from any sort of commitment.

Reasons Giving Rise To The Problem: You may fear rejection and that pose as a great reason of embarrassment that deters you from even getting involved with anyone.

I really think I may have a very mild case of Philophobia.

Well it's just gone past two in the morning and I had turned my computer off and then I realised I'm in a blogging mood.
I'm confused, the fact that you're acting different towards me. You don't normally say i love you first, you don't normally desperatly want to see me. Are you sending me signals or am I hoping too much?
I've been watching loads of NANA episodes a Japanese anime series, it's all about love. The main character Hachiko/Nana falls in love with someone called Nobu-Chan and they have the cutest relationship and Nobu says the sweetest things to Nana. It makes me so jealous of what they have, I would kill for something like that. A loving relationship so I knew that, that person would do pretty much anything for me and would love to spend time with me, no matter what we're doing.
Ever single day of my life I seem to wish for this, it kind of scares me how reguarly I think about this. I wish I was one of those people that didn't mind being alone, take things as they come not constantly wishing for things to happen.
I shouldn't be wishing, I should be out there getting what I want even though not everything will have the outcome I wish for.

Yet again another post about how much I want to fall in love.

I figured out the other day that it has been seven months since I started liking him, he has been made me feel extreme lows and highs for the past seven bloody months. I seriously think this is fucking crazy, like out of this world crazy.
It's horrible thinking that he has been able to keep me hanging onto him for this long, it doesn't make sense it's like I'm waiting for something to happen. But I haven't even told him, not even hinted that I've been hopelessly in 'love' with him for this long. I feel like a sitting duck, waiting to be hurt with everyday that goes by.
Cause I know I haven't followed advice from friends or even my heart, I've decided to be stubborn and not risk myself getting pummeled to the ground and laughed at by the rejection, in reality I'm waiting for it to disappear and play out, so I don't have to deal with any consequences at all, because that is what I'm most scared of.
I'm scared of love and rejection.

I really want to tell someone about this friend of mine but I don't want it to get back to her, so of course I've decided I must vent somewhere and here I am.
Well this friend of mine has a bit of a reputation for being a slut basically. I'm really strange when it comes to one of my best boy mates and how she acts around him, it annoys me because I've always had a little crush on him and he has fancied her before so she could lure him in.
They both came round my house yesterday and she kept lifting her top up, telling me to touch her bra right in front of him, laying on him, just basic flirting.
She did the same today, it's really fucking pissing me off.
She also get's upset about people accusing her of being slut, then stop fucking acting like one.

The reason why I go up in arms when you act all shallow about people is mainly because I'm insecure about my looks.
That may not make sense to anyone. It is the fact that I really don't think I have anything to offer boys, no boys seem to turn their heads when I walk by unless I'm with my best friends. I don't want you to be shallow because then I know that you don't think I'm attractive at all that I'm just that friend, that would never be thought of as more of a friend.
That is the real reason, that you'll never know.

I feel weak, I feel shit without you.
Why is this suddenly bugging me?

The smoking, the sex, the talk of drugs, showing off in front of everybody. You're not cool or popular, you're going to be known as a whore, who's only enjoyment in life is having acigarette at the end of the day. That's not a happy live to lead. I believe that keeping your innocence and sensibility for as long as you can is good, something to be fucking proud of. It seems you want all of your innocence to disappear as quickly as possible, it doesn't seem healthy. Just for the pure fact to rebel against everything and seeming cool with a packet of fags in your bag.
And calling your friends 'goody two shoes' and 'geeks' to all of the people who you believe to be 'cool' is frankly horrible. I know the words aren't as offensive as others, but the fact you said that just because none of us smoke or do the things you do, is fucking sick. What happened to you?

I've scared myself. I had the urge to act differently with you today like I would with a boyfriend. I constanly wanted to cuddle you and lay on you.
I shouldn't be having these feelings, I'm such a douche.

Yeah, Since you went away hasn't been the same. In my heart all i got is pain. Could it be that i play the game, to loose you, i can't maintain. Sunlight moonlight you lit my life, realize in the night while love shines bright. Can't let you go we were meant for forever baby let me know.

Days passed without you can't forget you. Letting me be the cloud hanging above meRaining on me missing your touch. Nights get longer and it's hard to clutch. We're apart breaks my heart. Its all for the best girl, you're my world. In time my love unfurls, ‘till then wait for you girl.

Best bit of the best love song ever.
Koe Wo Kikasete/Let Me Hear Your Voice- Big Bang<3

I haven't been so powerful lately guys. Am I wrong in giving in and letting him back in my little bubble of loneliness? Which now makes my bubble not a place of protection; a place of paranoia, jealously and feelings of hate. It's not good for me, anyone around me.
I constantly start to think what if; which gets my hopes up. I start to believe in my immature fantasies. I get paranoid that you don't really want to talk to me, you think it's just a chore. I get jealous of every single girl you laugh with. I begin to hate you for it, but you've done nothing wrong, you're just being a guy. I get angry at you and you just don't understand. I'm just being a naive girl, with a hope of you falling hopelessly in love with me.

Yeah so I haven't used this blog in a really long time, properly. Which is strange because I wanted to have a place of thoughts where no one I knew could find them. I have been doing it on a more public blog where all my friends can see it. So it's nice to come to a place of loneliness, in a sense.

Well ginger guy; I've given in and we've started talking again, I text him all day today. Few flirty passes, nothing special. I really doubt it'll go anywhere, he doesn't seem completely interested and plus this girl seems to be getting nosey about it all which probably means she is after him too. Jealously will kick in soon enough.

He was meant to meet me the other day but bailed, that put me off a little bit. But he says he wants to see me. I doubt he will, mmm yeah.

I'm thinking about all this shit when I should really be worrying about how I've done no revision or coursework this week. Like none, I'm so bad. I need to finish all of my ict FUCK, forgot. I'll do it all on Friday, maybe.

Anyway, I plan to be back here for a little while now.

I've always had the smallest of crushes on you. You're like my best friend. But because of your littleness, beautiful hair, constant need to talk to me, your strange humour, how your always around me; I'm compelled to have a thing for you.

Since I met you I have. I would never admit this to anyone. People always suspect something going on, but their isn't anything really, I just have a thing that no one knows about. But when you mention that girl is hot, I get a small stab of hate and in return I hate myself for that because your not mine.

Yeah..

Fucking hell.
I'm so frightened about going back to school just because he is going to be there, constanly I'll see him. In maths lessons, I'll see him, when we go to assembley I'll see him. It'll be crap because I'll be reminded of him all the time. In the holidays, I haven't seen him at all and it's been such a relief because I'm not compelled to think about or see him.
Oh fun times and on the first day we have maths, yayay ¬¬